Spoken of in legend... it's...
THE REALLY BIG BUTTON THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING
(est. 1994, Spatula City by Stefan Gagne)
Last Updated : 8/9/1999


Welcome to the most unusual artifact to be discovered on the Superhighway de la Informatique : the really big button that doesn't do anything. Developed in early '94, labelled as the Mystery Spot of the Internet, thousands flock to this button every day, pushing it, attempting to get it to do something; all in vain.

Many over the years have pondered the puzzling problem of the pushing, pointless button...

"I just don't get it," says John Andrew William Thoroughgood of Monkeyspank, RI. "I mean, it's a button, sorta like the other piccy-links on the web, but I push it and it doesn't do anything. It's SUPPOSED to take me somewhere cool on the web or give me a sound file or an MPEG. But it doesn't. I don't get it! WHY GOD WHY?!?

Others are less dramatic. From Melvin W. Earthsgood of Harmony, WA, "The button's gotta lotta energy, you know, but it's like potential, it's not KENETIC. It doesn't do anything but it does it in it's own little way, you know? I can like respect its desires not to do anything and admire the sheer determination of inactivity. Cosmic."

But Joan R. Welksgood of Gaithersburg, MD says, "It's a useless button. Why I just paid sixteen bucks in tickets and packet charges just to see it is beyond me. Can I get a refund?"

"They just don't get the button," complains Tiffany Reznorgood of Suburban America. "They can't deal with its pain and file it off as some useless bit of junk. Pigs, all of them."

"I find this whole button thing strangely hillarious," notes Steven Gaggood, current location unknown. "Dunno why. Maybe because you're writing down what I'm saying about it as if it's important. Can I say hello to my mom, by the way?"

According to Gary Achenbach, "One can say that the Really Big Button doesn't do anything, but even that's not entirely true. I mean, it really doesn't do -anything-. It doesn't even doesn't do anything. I've seen things that do nothing before, but at least they actually do nothing; the button doesn't even do that. It just...it can't even be explained in words, really."

The Mad Mosher was quoted as emitting : "Click.... click... *gurgle*... click... HeeHeeHeehehe... click.. hoohoo! Click.... *wibble*... click... *snurf*... click... *sigh*... clickclickclick... *sob*."

Patrick Legg warns, "It's not true that the RBB doesn't do anything. I pressed it and my stereo fell off the bureau, practically killing my cat! I don't know how you did this but I'm not going to press it again, thats for sure."

Dean Esmay remembers... "I fell in love with a girl named Melanie and no one, especially her, cared. But I pressed the button and I felt better. I laughed. I cried. I fell down. It was beautiful. Now I press it every day. I pity those who do not understand."

Ryan Grant notes, "I think it's really great. Completely underrated. I clicked on it about 50 times, and I still haven't had enough!"

Philip Macfarlane growls, "Hey is this some kind of a joke? I clicked on your stupid button and about 5 seconds later my machine crashed, losing me about 6 hours of work on my project and trashing my disc! I'm comin' after you boy.... Doh!"

"I think there's something wrong with the Really Big Button. It doesn't seem to do anything," Paul Mitchell reports.

Dave Rogers ponders, "If a tree falls on the Really Big Button in the forest when nobody is there, does it do something?"

Gregory L. Snead shouts to a large crowd of onlookers, "You are all wrong! The button does what all buttons of its kind do: allow itself to be pushed. What to do you expect? Can it be held responsible for what *doesn't* happen once it is pressed? I think not! Perhaps the world would be a better place if individuals were more like the button. Hail to the button!"

Daniel Dylan muses, "I don't see what the big deal is...I mean I pushed it, and it worked for me."


Here are more musings from people with entirely too much free time on their hands. 
Bretton Wade - veni, vidi, trudi.

Zorgon - This is a major breakthrough in Web theory: a graphical, user-friendly interface for the IP loopback address. Probably the most important thing to happen in cyberspace since William Gibson got a TRS-80 in his Christmas stocking back in 19 78.

Mark Notarus - The button is a grand mystical meta-symbol of life. You can push and push, but you get nothing new, in the end. Very Orwellian.

Charlie Fox - ..Sure, but does it go to eleven?

Wade Hostler - Am I the only person to notice (click) oooh that the Really Big Button (tm) (click) aaaaah stimulates the pleasure center (click) oh baby please don't stop of the brain? (click) oooh! oooh! oooh!

Lucy Webb - What do you mean, it doesn't do anything? It works fine for me. Try pressing it again; there must be something wrong with you.

Kurt Overberg - I thought it was great. It made me laugh, it made me cry, the entire range of emotions. It was better than Cats. I'm going to take the entire family to see it again and again.

Michael Weishaar - The Really Big Button is great, because other buttons are caught up in the rat-race, needing to be pushed so they can perform their pathetic little task, which really is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. The Really B ig Button doesn't need to do anything - it just IS. Kind of Zen-like, isn't it?

John Krueger - You know, if you put it on top of a mountain you could claim it was the secret of life and people would pay big money to see it. Go figure.

Max Kliger - What is the sound of one Really Big Button clicking?

Timothy Sharpe - My mommy had a big button just like that when I was but a wee button clicker, but my daddy was jealous because his button was small and didn't do anything either.

Jeffrey Braciak - "testing.. one.. two..?" you _sure_ this things plugged in?

Idal - You're right!...neat!...didn't do a thing!....but what'm I gonna do with all these spatula deliveries? Gotta go...doorbell's ringing...

Clif - Finally, I've found one product that performs exactly as advertised.

Stephen Strawbridge - The button is a reflection of thyself. The outcome of pressing it is to see thy innerself. Therefore losers experience nothing. Alas, Caveat - Self Knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Sean from Denver - When I first saw The Button, I nearly left without pressing it. I was afraid. Then I read the quotes and I thought to myself 'everybody's doing it, I'll just press it once.' So I pressed it...and liked it. Then I pressed it agai God, if only I hadn't given in. Now some days I press it 50 or 60 times always hoping it will take me somewhere...

Andrew McCulloch - I have a light switch rather like this. It doesn't work ANY of the lights in my house, but occasionally I give it a flick just in case. The other day I got this phone call from an irate woman in Germany telling me to pack it i n and stop fiddling with her lights.

Ian D Richardson - Grrrr ! Pesky Kids ! I cant watch TV no more because your Big Button keeps changing the channel. If you dont cut it out I'm gonna come round and shove THIS up THERE like THAT. Ow.

Brenda Holloway - I thought from all the hype that all you could do is just push this button, but then I tried it. There are actually at least twenty different buttons! Pressing Button #1 in the lower left corner leads to Button #3; pressing #3 wh ile wiggling the mouse leads either to Button #6 or sometimes Button #15. I think there might be a Button #7, in fact this might be it here. I wonder what hap

Richard May - According to the theory of Fuzzy Logic all buttons (really big or otherwise) belong to both the set of buttons that do things and to the set of buttons that do not do things, each to a degree. Therefore your button is really no diffe rent to any other button, except in the degree to which it belongs to these sets.

pudd'nhead - Dissapointment flows from false expectancy. By conquering desire we avoid the frustration and disillusionment that comes from having ones anticipations exposed. The button says *right there* that it doesnt do anything. Yet we press.

Mark D. Norton - If the Really Big Button is pressed in Twoflower's closet next to the Real Time Camera, does it make a sound?

Kelly/Austin, Texas - It's obvious that the RBBTDDA is responding in accordance with the Heisenberg Principle in that you can either observe momentum or location, but never both at the same time. You can see where it is, but you can't tell what i does...or you can watch it work, but you can't tell where.

Rhodes P TSgt CSS/SCYS - See the Button... Push the Button... Be the Button.

Greg Wiley - It's just this button, you know?

Eugene J Koontz - In a Web full of hype, hard-sells, and overstimulation, the Button is a welcome relief, a way to relax and decompress the .zip files of our modern lives. I'm going to put it on my hotlist, and return over and over again to experi ence this shelter, this island of serenity.

David Holloway - And the Multitudes came to the Button, and the Button was Great. And the Multitudes, seeing the Glory of the Button, heeded not the warnings and prognostications of the Keepers of the Button, and they were mightily vexed, for the Button did Nothing. And Lo, there was much wailing and gnashing of Teeth, and the Keepers of the Button were Greatly Amused. (Button I, v.x-xi)

David Lombard -

On a page far away                                                              
stood the Really Big Button,
an emblem of suffering and shame.
 
But we love that old button
With its pointless aplomb.
 
So, we'll cherish the really big button
'til our mouses at last we lay down
We will cling to the really big button
and exchange it some day for a crown
Bob Ray - Interesting; but of course you are completely wrong. The Really Big Button DOES do something: it induces people to push it.

Forrest Gump - Button is as button does, sir.

Bucky Edgett - I thought it would be a lot bigger.

Greg Brooks - Night air, cold on the skin of the city... Stark light from the streetlights only illumens the pasty white skin of the city's walking dead... along a boulevard of broken dreams and torn prom dresses there is a single, dim glow from a dingy window... in a small, dirty room above the streets, he pushes the button, over and over... and he sobs softly...

Bruce Atherton - ...and you shall know the one who is come unto you as your once and future king when he shall push the Really Big Button, and something happens. None but the pure of heart can succeed. So it is written, so it shall be.

Doug Shannon - Is there any relation between this and the Really Small Button that does everything?

Douglas Edward Becker - I feel cheated. It wasn't really that big.

Steve Jibson - Hmmm... sounds like my mother-in-law: really big and does nothing.

 
     "A BRILLIANT EXPOSE OF FACILE IRONY! MOVING...CAPTIVATING
      AND HAUNTING. 'THE BUTTON' WORKS ON ALL LEVELS."
                          Leo Padron -The New Jersey Record Star Journal
Matthew Baker - Great! A minimalist button! A true hypertext expression for the postmodern age.

J. Hammond - Frobnitz the Student approached the great Dr. Joshu in his office one day, for Joshu was his thesis advisor and Frobnitz had been making no progress. "What is the Way of Thesis?" asked Frobnitz. Dr. Joshu wordlessly turned to his ke yboard and pressed The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything. At that moment the Student was enlightened.

Cat - So, what is it?

Tom Spears - The crowd around my terminal tensed. Someone hollered, "Click it! Do it now!". But I waited - until the time was perfect. Then, in a moment of complete abandon, I slowly and deliberately pressed the button. Suddenly,

Comptroller - "In the beginning, there was the Button. The Button was Big and the Button was Red." -- Genesis1:1

Ray Bigonesse - Huh? A button that does nothing? Must be a new Microsoft product...

Johnathan Rynd - Once again illustrating the concept that "If you make something on the Net incredibly stupid, people will flock to it." It kind of reminds me of Field of Dreams, you know, If you build it, they will come? But in this case all this guy has done is type some lines into a http server. Is it that boring in maryland? Don't you have politics to bore yourself with or something? (Ed. Note - I'd tell you if it was really that boring in Maryland, but I'm too apathetic to bother.)

Dave Himmelspach - On behalf of the pacifists of this world, I would like to thank the really big button for being the perfect spokesbutton for our movement. No matter how many times some people click on it trying to provoke a response, it refuse s to react aggressively. Its restraint is a model for us all.

"Naked" - I've clicked the button 1,369 times. I'm still not convinced it doesn't do anything--I think I just have to stare harder and try not to blink my eyes this time. On click number 536 I'm almost positive I saw something happen, but I had to blink because my eyes had completely dried out. *click* Damn, missed it again.

Brandon Hashimoto -

Vincent: You know what they call a Really Big Button in Paris?                  
Jules  : They don't call it a Really Big Button?
Vincent: No man, they speak French over there, they wouldn't know what the
         fuck a Really Big Button is.
Jules  : What do they call it?
Vincent: They call it, Tres Grand Button.
Steve Lomas - I shared your product concept with our marketing group. After thoroughly focus testing the product, they have concluded that the Really Big Button might be more effective and possibly even marketable if it weren't quite so red and wa s perhaps just a little bigger... maybe.

Tim Wright - (click) My God, it's full of stars!

Friendly Human Person - The button does indeed do something, however, it is very selective about who it does it for, in order to experience The Button, you must first understand The Button, then Become One with The Button, only then will you find true enlightenment.

Rich Garrett - DON'T TOUCH IT! It's the History Eraser Button you FOOL!!!

Cat - So, what is it?

Warren Siegel - Thanks for the Really Big Button. Things have been happening to me all day long, but I pushed the button and NOTHING happened. I really needed the break. If you ever have something going to happen and you want to stop it, push t he Really Big Button.

Eric Bloch - Thanks. Now I have all these thumb prints on my screen.

Nikhil Miraj - For all the dorks,geeks, dweebs and morons out there, i present the TRUE MEANING of the RBB: [butt][on][button]>[button][on][butt] -elementary matrix theory.

Kenneth R. Cook - Push to Test.......Release to Detonate

Marty Schultz -

 How do you keep a netsurfer busy for hours? (Click on Really Big Button)       
 How do you keep a netsurfer busy for hours? (Click on Really Big Button)
 How do you keep a netsurfer busy for hours? (Click on Really Big Button)
 How do you keep a netsurfer busy for hours? (Click on Really Big Button)
 ...
Michael Cash - Hey! I spent over $12,000 in tuition at UMCP, and I since my tuition helped pay for The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything, I think it should do something for me, like maybe find me a job or something.

Chris Mork - "I cannot press the really big button." Said Frodo in a quavering voice. "No," said Gandalf "But I can."

Ian Mc Neice -

Is this a button I see before me,                                               
The logo towards my gaze?
Come, let me push thee,
Thou doeth not and yet I push thee still.
Stoic Woman of the Ohio Valley - Oh, Button, thou art so big! We are all really impressed down here, I can tell you! Please don't kill us. Amen.

Ed W. Marsh - I pushed it. And for a second...JUST for a second...there was hope in the world.

Taj Angelo Owen - The first pushing of the RBB was a step I knew I had to take. With one simple click, I found my childhood. The RBB is a metaphor for breastmilk. To this day I know I can push...and weep. Mama.

Cat - So, what is it?

jrh - And God said, "E= 1/2mv^2 - Ze^2/r" and then there was light. And the light revealed that the universe was not empty. In the center, there was The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything. And God was pleased with what he had created so he pressed the button, but the button didn't do anything. And God was mad, so he created man to be tormented by the button. The rest is history.

Greg Herrera - Since it doesn't do anything, how do you know when it's done?

Blake Wilson - I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterically clicking the Really Big Button.

Christopher Mohney - I pushed the Button, and now it won't stop pushing *me* ....

        Good Day,                                                               
 
   My name is Adam Bacchus, and I am the president and the Grand Master of
the Confederation of the New Order of Really Big Button Worshippers. For the
past two months, we have been striving to unearth the truth behind the almighty
Button, and to this date, we have been unsuccsessful. Many of us have undergone
ritual fasts in which we stand out in an empty field with one abbot. the abbot
pushes our head continually; All the while we are to ponder the meaning of the
Button. But this and other efforts have been in vain.
 
   On behalf of the Confederation, I implore you, the great creators of the
Hallowed Spatula City, to please, PLEASE reveal to us the mystics secrets of
the button.
 
   In return, we offer what little wisdom we have discovered through our
meditations:
 
        "The Button, though loud in its visual nature, is so quiet in its
     physical nature. This is the presentation of the button. Could this
     paradox be a mockery of Life? ...how people in today's world are more
     interested in the visual, the showy, that they lose sight of the 'is'
     of the world ? ...What is truly important?"
 
        "People in todays world are losing sight of the great religions.
     The button may be a present-day-person's representation of what he feels
     the great religions of the world have come to; The great grandeur and
     showy display of it all, but when it comes to application, How does it
     deliver?"
 
        "It is so much fun!!! It must be a gift from the great creators!!
     [CLICK]  Whheeeeeee!!!!! [CLICK] Yeaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!! "
 
   The Confederation thanks you for your time and hopes to service the creators
further through constant, and diligent meditation.
 
                                                Scincerely and Humbly,
 
                                                     Adam Bacchus
                                                Grand Master, CNORBBW
Brad Killebrew - I've figured it out. The Button DOES do something. You've got me in a big loop. Reminds me of the Star Trek show when the ship was caught in a Causality Loop. (click)

 I've figured it out. The Button DOES do something. You've got me in a big loop. Reminds me of the Star Trek show when the ship was caught in a Causality Loop. (click)

 I've figured it out. The Button DOES do something. You've got me in a big loop. Reminds me of the Star Trek show when the ship was caught in a Causality Loop. (click)

 (sputter) I think NetScape ran out of cache.

John K Rice - I visited the big button and read the collected experiences of people who have pushed the button and decided to try an experiment. I DID NOT push the button. Guess what? NOTHING HAPPENED. I think this has serious philosphical implications... or maybe the button is stuck ON. Maybe someone should go check.

Tom S. - Now THIS makes me sick! This must be the creation of some bill that keeps impressionable young'uns from seeing "indecent material" from the Internet. What will they do next? First the RBBTDDA, next mind-washing! I'm warning all of you! Beware! Beware!

Mark Roth - What is this, a new government project or something? They always look neat but don't really do anything either.

Scott P - I pressed, therefor I am. Or am I?

Idria Barone Knecht - Fox Mulder is right... the truth is out there... it's the Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything! The conspiracy is revealed! Now we know! Ei 'Aniigoo 'Ahoot'e! BWA HA HA HA HA...

Chris Murphy-The simple audacity of it (the RBB) and its NON-compliance in performing a true function helped me to realize I DO have a life and there ARE people worse off than me!

Julie Stubanus- This is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. It would be much cooler if you didn't play it up so much. In fact, why the fuck am I wasting my time.

Dylan Kenny - It's just silly.

Giao Phan - Umm, I was looking for the really big buttock?

Sean Landers - This thing is freaking BIZZARE! I mean, I push it once, and there goes my left leg! The whole dang thing just fell off! Then came the waffles. Man, that button is the friggin' demonic incarnation of all hell on earth. Either t a really big friggin' conspiriacy by them stinkin commies, tryin' to deflouridate our water. Oh well. Guess i'll go push it again.

Gili Goudsmit - I'm dutch, and have discovered an as yet unknown aspect of the Really Big Button. The words "Really Big Button", in dutch don't actually mean *ANYTHING*.... So besides the Really Big Button not *doing* anything, here in The Netherlands it doesn't even *mean* anything! Now isn't that special. (Gotta go, late for Stupid Logic 101...)

Stefan Pitsch - Well...I came 'round the corner and there he was. I mean - he was just standing there - doin' nothin'. That gave me the creeps, ya know. I mean - what could I do but stare at him carefully, awaiting his actions? He had this indestructible self-confident aura: This was a button who knew what he did! So I finally gave in an' fled. I won't touch it - that's for sure!

Brian Sparks - Thats it. I'm not pushing the damn button.

Jeremiah Bullfrog -- The button was a real good friend of mine, I never understood a single thing it said, but I helped him drink his wine. Joy to the world!

B. Simpson -
I will not press the Really Big Button that doesn't do anything.
I will not press the Really Big Button that doesn't do anything.
I will not press the Really Big Button that doesn't do anything.
I will not press the Really Big Button that doesn't do anything.
I will not press the Really Big Button that doesn't do anything.

Emmanuel Donio - I like buttons. I have some on my pants. If I push them nothing happens, but if I pull them my pants fall down. It sure is embarrassing. Especially when I'm not wearing underwear. I've gotten a few dates that way though. Button button button button button button button button button button button button button button button button button button.

Mike Emmons - Gey Wally, Ed Haskel told me that there was a "Really big button that didn't do anything". Don't be a little goof, Beav. There will not be such a thing until the 90's.

Dr. Clayton Forester - Push the button, Frank.

The Great Yogi - If you meet the button on the road, push it.

Fred Riley - "The sparse, almost Kafkaesque, minimalism of this piece is a bleak comment upon our post-modern zeitgeist." - A.Pseud

Nick Komen - WOW!!!!! That was incredible! You should charge money for this site!! I got the biggest rush since I saw Free Willy 2!! Wow, how exciting!!

Max Waters - Who's the Really Big Button who makes variations on Shaft? "The RBB!" Damn right. They say the Really Big Button is one bad... "Shut yo mouth!" Just talkin' bout the Button...

Butthead - Uh...hey Beavis, huh huh...this _button_ thing kind of sucks.

Beavis - No way dude...it's like...COOL! heh heh, hmm heh

Butthead - huh huh, you dilweed...that button gets more than you do.

Beavis - SHUTUP BUNGHOLE!!! heh heh...click it again!

Scott Forst - I think that the folks that are pushing the button are missing something very important and obvious. It is a just a manifestation of masterbation. You see, they believe that they are so alone on the Web, they try to make themselves feel better. One person claimed to have pushed the button 50 times; that is a man who needs some human contact. Thank you for the insight into the minds of our young Webserfers. If they need to feel better about themselves, then by all means, push th button. As for myself, I think I'll stay content to watch them push the button to focus their lives. I don't need it. (Well, maybe 15 years ago when I needed to push other people's buttons).

shiver - I'm not sure that this button is inherently sexual but upon pressing it, my wife immediately came into the room and slapped me for no apparent reason and then left me to go to a nunnery in eastern europe. If any other button worshippers have this problem I do wish to find them and start an immediate investigation into the whole matter.

Bill Wilson - I pressed the Really Big Button (RBB) several times; it did nothing, but this did not deter me from my goal. I continued to press the button, hundreds, even thousands of times, and changed the states of several dynamic variables in the process... you see, I had come to the conclusion that the actual nature of the button was deterministic, and was an analytical function existing in a seven-dimensional phase space:
RBB = f (r, E, w, t),
where r is the position of the click in Cartesian (x-y-z) coordinates, E is the energy of the click, w is the direction of the click, and t is the time of the click. I had drawn this conclusion in analogy to the linearized form of the Boltzmann transport equation, especially as regards neutron transport. I did not reckon with the difficulty of actually trying to modify the z-axis dependence of the button push on a 2-dimensional representation, and the mouse turned out to be very ineffectual in my endeavor to vary the direction of the mouse click. However, all is not lost, as I am in the final stages of approval for a NSF-sponsored research grant worth millions of dollars, to investigate the true nature of the RBB. My proposal is to construct a three-dimensional model of the RBB using combinatorial geometry, and assigning material and phase space properties based on the latest data available in the scientific literature. This time however, I will not attempt a deterministic solution; it seems that stochastic methods are the way to go, so I will use Monte Carlo techniques to plumb the very depths of mystery surrounding the RBB. It can work! I will solve this problem in such a convincing, satisfactory way that all will hail my genius and fortitude. yes. Yes. YES!

Scott Kallen - It did something for me, emotionally.

Esther Dyson - The really big button that doesnt do anything poses interesting challenges both for owners/creators/sellers and for users of the button. Because the button allows for essentially endless pressing, it dramatically changes the traditional economics of "buttons." In this new world, competing with the old one, the button is easy to press, but hard to understand. The button allows creativity to proliferate, but button quality will be scarce and hard to recognize. Button creators will have to fight to attract attention, and to get paid. Logistics alone used to add value to buttons; it does so no longer.

Barry Marshall - Impressive, but does it mix a good martini?

John Hewitt - Microsoft has announced plans to take over Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything. They claim this is a basic element of operating system. "Our button's have been doing nothing for years, we just didn't know it was marketable. From now on it will be called Microsoft Really Big Button That doesn't Do Anything.(tm)"

Steven 'GfY' de Brouwer - Fancy this! Your Big Button looks just like my Small Button:

The Really Small Button, That Doesn't Do Anything...
Except Being Checked!

Martin O'Murphy - The action of pushing TRBB creates subsequent reactions which, though insignificant at first, gather substance in a snowballing kind of fashion until every other action in the world is in fact a causal effect of the original push. The obvious conclusion being that if TRBB *HAD NOT* been pushed, all of reality would simply fade into paradoxical oblivion.

Robert Behrman, Ph.D, D.D.S., M.D., B.S., O.S.B., S.O.B., von Bismark, Lord High Executioner, the fifth- I have thousands of documents from concerned citizens, PROVING BEYOND A DOUBT, that the button is the weapon of an evil conspiracy perpetrated b the U.N. controlled Illuminati that governs the world from behind closed doors. When the button is pushed on the 14th night of the Month of Squeegee, the Large Mango shall fall, and it's evil henchman shall arise from the depths of K-Mart to reap h ll an havoc among the Sock Puppets of the world! Concerned citizens of Gotham, Unite! Rise against the Button!!!!!e

David Carroll - Ever since my journey to the mecca of the button, I have been a believer in it's simple and straightforward power... I have shown all of my friends and now they too are believers. We are debating whether we can get some kind of tax breaks if we call ourselves "The church of the big red do nothing button" If so we will let you all know!

Bud M. - I arrived at The Really Big Button just in time to see it doing nothing. I thought it was a trick of the eye, but no, it really was doing nothing. No one will believe this, but I resisted temptation and ACTUALLY did NOT press The Really Big Button. (Not even once!) Although as soon as I finish jotting this down, I'm heading back up to press it. After all, it must do SOMETHING...

Dana White - Excuse me, I was looking for the really big mutton. Sorry. (Could I at least have some crackers?)

Mr. T - I pity the fool that presses this button.

Snazzo Boy - I live in a tribal village in Africa, and the rite of manhood in my viiage is to press the Really Big Button and make it do something But since the button doesn't do anything none of us have passed into manhood yet. We're all still little boys. Which is just fine with me because I have a thing for little boy...ummm...nevermind..long live the RBB!!

Anna Bond - Who's to know that my pressing of the button isn't slowly but surely ending world hunger, bringing peace to the Middle East or what have you? It's just so subtle, you don't notice it working. Genius, really.

Mike Pare - The button exists in my dreams, or do I exist in the dreams of THE BUTTON ?

Simon Lai - Yeah !! It really does work. I mean this is really different. Go to any other WWW page and the buttons take you to different places, but this offers an alternative. Peace, harmony, staying in place, I can dig it. Who wants to change after all. I wish the "Back" button on my WWW browser was as good. I just sorta liked staring at it, and when I got sick of that I just loved clicking it, secure in the knowledge that it would never go away.

Rick Kamakaris - Did the Really Big Button always do nothing? Perhaps it was "the button", and it does nothing because the Cold War is over. If the president were to push the "button" to launch a full retalatory stike of ICBM's against the USSR, woulndn't make sense for it to be a Relly Big Button so when he closed his eyes he didn't have to worry too much about missing it?

Colin Kelly - You guys sure put out a quality product. It still works and looks as good as new, even after thousands of people have pushed it.

Steve R. Hastings - The spec clearly states that the button will do nothing when pushed. I pushed the button, and it did nothing. The button conforms to its spec, and therefore its quality must be regarded as perfect. The button development cycle is now complete, the button has released to manufacturing, and any further issues must be taken up with the product planning or technical support staff.

Brian Rice - If we put the RBB in a box with a cat, left it for several days, would we know if the cat pushed the button, and if the cat did push the button, would we know if it did anything, and if it did do something, did the cat live to see it? I think Shrodinger would be proud...

Tim Dixon - Try running Memmaker to see if that gets it to do something.

Jeff Garretson - Is this one of those things that you need Netscape 1.1 to see?

Kats - I'm in love with the Really Big Button...*sigh*... Not a day goes by without me longing for the Really Big Button to hold me, and kiss me. It turns me on, bad. I know we would be happy together. I want to have the Really Big Button's children. I would push our Really Small Buttons very gently and take good care of them. I wouldn't stop pushing the Really Big Button, no, not at all. I would push it twice as much as I do today, sacrificing ev rything for the Really Big Button. How can this be? I used to enjoy life, now I've lost my urge to do anything but push the Really Big Button...*sob*...I cry myself to sleep at night...I cannot understand how life can be so unfair. Please, Really Big Button, give me a sign, a click, a blink, anything to let me know that you feel the same way for me as I do for you. I cannot live life without you!

Admiral jota rants, "Don't you get it? It's all so simple! You don't push the button! Ya see, first you have to download the graphical image of the button, Then you run that throught rot13. You take the output, and decode it with Phil Zimmerman's public PGP code. What you get is a JPEG, you see, and you just have to stare at it... just keep staring, until you can see the 3-D stereogram. It's there, i tell ya! It's really incredible! It's a picture of*O^^3_(*N675f
NO CARRIER

Steven Shockley - I dread this button. This button is a product of the purest and most sinister evil. The creators of this ghastly device are quite obviously sadistic madmen. Why do I say this? Because, O my brothers, everytime I press it, I suddenl find myself in strapped into a diabolical chair in a dark cinema...with a Steven Seagal Movie Marathon minutes away....*shiver*

Tim. Just Tim. - It had been a long day; a typical day. I was depressed. Actually, I was very depressed. My dog died a couple of days back and my bank account went down to a few cents again. 8 cents actually. After being once again mauled into an exploritorially medicalistic labaorotory and cavorted away into the nethew abyss of space (it happens every day), I returned to earth to find that, yes, once again my email account was empty (how does that happen?) and my work had gone down the eart plug. I fired up my computer; Windows 95 gaily staring out at me. It crashed three times before the fan in the power unit burned out and took the transformer with it. I had really fired up my computer because taking out the transformer with rigid and rapi bursts of high amperage electricity was bad for the circuits. Luckily my next door neighbour has a computer. I couldn't have used the Internet anyway; I don't own a modem. Perhaps that was why my account was empty... In desperation I tried the cool site of the day but to no avail. I'd been to the link before. I tried many random URL pages. Nothing. Was it this that had killed my dog; or was it simply that last time I was taken by aliens, the dog came and acciden ly fell out the airlock in the vicinity of Sirius B; over next to Orion? Alas I will never know. I knew I must destroy the world in order to save it from its ultimate fate; I had to do it: I pushed the button. Such is life; oh how I despise life. Hang on, I pushed the button; yes. Oh sorry, now I'm happy; flipping through the abbysmic chasms th t frit through golden valleys, smelling sweetly at the roses...

Eric Boring - My engorged red button is reaching sensory overload from all your excess prodding.

Michael Dopp - It's the road; man, not the destination. Not being distracted by the usual outcome of button pushing let's you really involve yourself with the pushing of it. I push it all the time. It's beautiful. Thankyou.

widgett of the Frame - Our staff here at the Institute of Sleep Deprivation has concluded that either A) the constant pressing of the RBB is what keeps the Rolling Stones alive, 2) the reason the RBB does nothing is due to Jesse Helms and/or sunspot activity, or III) that there is no third thing.

Joshua Ludzki - I'm horribly frightened, that one day, far in the future, when human beings have made contact with a species from another part of our galaxy, they'll tell us that all this time.... Any time one of us has clicked on the button, we ave unwillfully caused some horrible natural disaster on their world that killed hundereds of people and that all this time they've been doing the same thing to us with their button (which, oddly enough, was yellow with red writing)! Then agai ... I've been wrong before....

Archbishop John Roberts of the Church of the 786 Exploded Jellybeans: Do not be swayed from the path of true faith by the Really Big Button!! It is a sending from The Horned Popcorn Flavored Jellybean, meant to lead you from the delights of the Cinnamon Jellybean! Should thou be pulled into the Really Big Button's evil influence, then verily shalt thou be cast into the pits of hell, doomed forever to eat nothing but Popcorn and Jalapeno flavored Jellybeans! Repent, sinner! Repent!

Bradley Cordle - if you put TRBBTDDA in water, will it sink?? if you put it in fire, will it burn?? or is TRBBTDDA just an inatament object in it's own stratisphere, away from the elements here on earth?? did i spell any of that right??

Alexandre Hugot -

I have spend lots of hours working on solving the mistery of the
RBB, and here are my conclusions (first version of a paper, i want to
submit to the American Mathematical Society) :

On the behavior of the RBB.

Abstract :

 Since the behavior of 'RBB' seems to have a deterministic convergence
behavior (see naked 1998 :"i'have clicked the button 1,369 times..."),
we might now consider to seek for chaotics behavior in it.
Beeing based on the paper
"http://www.freenet.fr/bluepatch/divers/shootyourself.html", we have
developed a macro object oriented program in LISP:

(set-input-mode 'mouse-accelerated)
(require 'Netscape)
(cond
(or (and
       (= Netscape-major-version 0.4)
       (>= Netscape-minor-version 0.2))
       (= Netscape-major-version-at-least 0.2)))
(require 'Really Big Button)
(global-set-key [blackspace] 'backward-delete-char-untabify)
(require 'chaos)
(require 'function-WHAT'S UP? 'def (set-output-mode (list 'NOTHING
'SOMETHING)))
(def toplevel () (let ((mouse (list 'click))) (Really Big Button) ((list
'to) function-WHAT'S UP?)) (toplevel))

Results, expressed in the phase plane, are projected onto the Pointcare
plane. After 150 days of computing (1.e231 iterations) on a machine with
12 Gigaflop/s for 6 processors and 8 Go of total memory, NOTHING append.
In despite some limitation of the present model, we have learned that we
should now seek for a 'shroedinger paradox' in the RBB behavior: Can we,
at the same time, push and not push the RBB? The questoin is still
opened.

so have a nice day,

Al++
Charles Ozinga - This settles it. Sometimes a button really IS just a button. 
Indeed, the button remains a mystery to all walkers of the world wide web. Perhaps mankind will never understand its true purpose... or maybe we do, deep down inside, back in our primordal memories, and the minute we hit our next evolutionary stage the powers of the button shall be unlocked for all to reap benefit thereof.

 Or maybe not. 


In celebration of the Button's 5th anniversary, this glorious SECOND PAGE of button musings is available in guestbook format! Now new musings can be added by readers like you, and enjoyed!

 I HIGHLY RECOMMEND reading as many button musings in this list as you can before you fall out of your chair, a pale blue foam squirting from your mouth. It's just that cool. It's exceeded all my expectations; folks are being courtieous, funny and very witty. Rock on, folks. Keep those musing quality levels high! Or I will shoot you. :)

Read the Button Guestbook
Here's your chance at fame, fortune and fabulous prizes. Think of something creative (please no standard 'I pushed it and it did this' musings and keep it clean) and :

Sign the Button Guestbook

(provided by 1-2-3 Webtools)

Hey, anybody want a Really Big Button Newsgroup? Alt.fan.really.big.button? Some way to express our wisdom in relation to the world, with all its pain and suffering and anguish, while pushing the button and posting to Usenet. I orgasm at the very thought. Shame I don't know how to newgroup. (maybe if we ask Joel Furr nicely. :)

(Isn't it sad that Usenet has fallen into decline? Sigh. I miss the good 'ol days of '93 back when this page was made... now it's all Yuppie! Yuppie! Yuppie! Spend! Spend! Spend!...)

Also check out this page, which has the world's only non-virtual Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything. And remember : any other button claiming to be the One True Button is probably operated by communist subversives, not to be trusted. 


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The Ultimate Codex of Twoflowerian FictionPage Copyright 1993 Stefan Gagne